My Biological Clock is Ticking….

*Warning: This post contains a lot of rambling thoughts….*

Lately, I’ve been feeling a lot of pressure concerning where I’m at in life and where I feel (or where society feels, or where my family feels, or where my friends feel, etc.) I should be at in life. In some ways it feels like there are two choices I can make at this stage (almost like in the actual game of Life….you know, the Milton Bradley one?). You can either take the “Family” path or the “Career” path. Obviously I know that in real life it is definitely possible to have both, but in my little overthinking brain it feels like I have to choose between one or the other.

Should I wait to get married until my career takes off, or more realistically, until I find out what I want my career path to be? But then again, I really would like to get married to my boyfriend sooner rather than later, so maybe we should just get married and wait for a while to have kids…. But then there’s that voice in the back of my mind telling me that the earlier I have kids, the more energy I’ll have to deal with them, and I would love for my grandparents to be able to see as much of their lives as possible. So then I start doing the math in my head to decide the maximum age I should wait to have kids so that my boyfriend and I can have some alone married life time together but also so that my grandparents will also be able to enjoy them.

Wouldn’t you just love to be stuck in my head?

So, as you can probably tell, I’m a bit of an over thinker. I would much rather have my life all planned out and tied with a bow than to just sit back and let things happen. However, unfortunately, that’s not how life is, and despite my best efforts to set a 10 year plan for my life it almost never happens that way. So, lately I’ve been having to learn this lesson the hard way. Luckily, my boyfriend happens to be the complete opposite and settles me down when I start planning out our retirement home.

The truth is that a lot of the times we don’t have control over life like we think we do. Although it might be nice to have kids at a certain age or get married in your early twenties like the Buzzfeed article says, that’s not always something we should rush into or feel like the world is crashing in around us if it doesn’t end up that way. After all, for every “5 Reasons Getting Married Early is the Best” article there’s also a “10 Reasons Why You Should Wait to Get Married” article right behind it.

* I hope this made a bit of sense and encouraged someone who may be dealing with the same things I am! Don’t forget to comment and follow my blog! I’d love to hear from you!! 🙂

4 Reasons Why Your 20s Aren’t What You Expect

*My intentions in this post are not simply to be negative and rant-y as they may appear. Instead, I would like to use this post to show other people who may be going through the same things I am that they are not alone. That other people feel the same way even if they may not think so. I am also in no way saying that EVERYONE feels this way, so if your 20s happen to be glorious and exactly as you expected, I’m incredibly happy for you and somewhat envious of you…. SO here we go.*

When I was in high school, I had so many ideas about what my life would look like in my 20s. At the time, being in my 20s seemed so far away and out of reach. It seemed like the golden years full of freedom, adventures, relationships, and babies. In some ways, it has been that way. I’ve traveled to places I never even dreamed I would. I have an amazing boyfriend who I’m looking forward to spending a long and happy life with.

However, in a lot of ways, it has been completely different, and here’s why….

  1. Your life is no longer mapped out. Up until college, my life was incredibly mapped out. From the moment I signed up for my first advanced class in elementary school, I knew that I would go from elementary to middle school, middle school to high school, and high school to college. Even the college I went to was largely planned out. My biggest decision at the time was whether or not I should quit band and who to go to prom with. Once I got to my Freshman year I was fully convinced that the next few years would be similarly mapped out. I would find a major I was passionate about, meet the love of my life, get married right after graduation, and spend the rest of my life raising kids. Only….it didn’t happen that way. The perfect major didn’t pop out at me. The love of my life didn’t walk up with a sign saying “I’m the One.” Which leads me to my next point. doors-1767562_1920
  2. Your 20s are full of (what seems like) high stakes decisions. I was finding myself (and still find myself) faced with the seemingly huge decision of what I want to do with the rest of my life, where I want to live after, do I go for my passions or the practical job? When should I get married? SHOULD I get married? Do I even WANT kids? So many questions that seem to shape how your life will look when you hit the next decade of your life. young-791849_1920
  3. You spend much of your time alone. It seems like you’re never alone in high school. You live with your family, you have all of your friends in school with you that you grew up with, and you spend your after school hours around friends or participating in extracurricular activities. In your 20s, though, it seems like you spend much more of your time alone. You live alone for the first time. You live with people you don’t know which can be quite lonely until you get used to them. You study alone. You walk into a classroom of 300 people not knowing a single person. It can be very lonely which goes along with my next point. pinky-swear-329329_1920.jpg
  4. You don’t always have your best buddies around (or any buddies). Usually in high school you think that the friends you have then will be your friends for the rest of your life. BFFs 4ever, right? Unfortunately, for one reason or another that’s not always the case. As you get older, your paths diverge and before you know it you’re texting each other on holidays lamenting about how long it’s been since you’ve seen each other and how you HAVE to get together soon. You make new friends who’s interests and direction lines up closer to yours, and you may even meet a significant other who you spend most of your free time with.

So no, your 20s are not what you expect, but that does not mean that they are all bad, so enjoy your 20s and know that you are not alone in what you are feeling.

*Don’t forget to leave comments below to support each other, and of course don’t forget to follow my blog for more posts!

India Update: Visas and Shots

So, as you may or may not know, I am going WAYYYY out of my comfort zone in order to visit my boyfriend’s parents and friends in India. As I have only ever been in english speaking countries, this is a lot for me, and I would like to say that I’m completely excited and not in the least bit nervous….but that’s just not true. I am incredibly nervous. Because of my anxiety, I am terrified to get back on a 24 hour flight. I’m terrified to change planes in another country. I’m terrified to meet my boyfriend’s family who may not understand what I’m saying like my own family does, and I’m terrified about being a minority when I’ve always been in the majority my entire life.

All this aside, I am excited about this opportunity too. I’m excited to experience a culture so beautiful, rich, and very different from my own. I’m excited to take this next step with my boyfriend and his family, and I’m excited about getting to see parts of the world I never in a million years thought I would.

Anyway, on to more practical things….

For the first time I have to get a visa to enter another country. I’ve heard from others that having an American passport is like owning a golden ticket because, for a lot of countries, including New Zealand, you can basically just walk into the country without having to go through an application process. Unfortunately, India isn’t one of those countries you can just walk into. I spent all last night trying to make sure I completed my visa application the correct way and feeling that split second of panic about the possibility of not being let into the country due to something wrong on my application. (Honestly, I had no idea traveling was such a process!!)

For the application, you have to upload a picture of yourself similar to what you would get for a passport application. You also have to scan parts of your passport and fill out a fairly short application stating your reasons for traveling and other information they may need on you before allowing you into their country. Hopefully I’ll get it approved sometime soon.

India also has diseases that are not so common in the US, such as malaria and dengue fever which are carried by mosquitoes. Because of that, I went ahead and made an appointment with the travel clinic at my college to make sure I was safe health-wise before I jumped across the pond. I was sad to hear that I needed two shots (I HATE shots!) which I got. One of those is still hurting pretty bad while I type this.  :/ I also found out about some preventative measures I could take for the mosquitoes.

I’ll be taking a preventative for malaria before, during, and after my visit just to be safe. There’s also this bug spray that you can buy which repels mosquitoes from your clothes and belongings, but apparently you can’t get it on your bare skin and have to wait until it completely dries before you can touch it or bring it inside….so I won’t be using that. It kind of scared me lol. I’m just going to try my luck with some safer mosquito repellants.

Basically that’s about it for not regarding India. I just have to wait until my visa gets accepted and then start packing closer to the time I have to leave!


If you want to hear more about my adventure to India, don’t forget to follow my blog! Also, if you have any tips for me, I would love to hear about them in the comments!

Quick Catch Up: College, India, and Getting Certified to Teach

So, I have pretty much been off the grid for the last month. I haven’t made any videos. I haven’t posted on Instagram, and I haven’t written anything on my blog. I’ve basically just been sitting in my room working on stuff to get certified to teach, which is a lot harder, longer, and more complicated than you think it would be. There’s like this 30 page document you have to write and submit along with two videos of yourself teaching, and that’s only one part of it. It really just takes so much out of you when you don’t have time to do the things you really enjoy and express yourself. Anyway, because of that, I’ve been incredibly busy and stressed which has affected pretty much everything else in my life, so I’m really happy to say that I finally got it finished and can get back to focusing on other things I enjoy doing like social media.

I have to say that all of that stress really took a lot out of me. I got to the point where I hated going to school everyday and having to interact with people. Since I wasn’t enjoying what I was doing, I had a really short fuse with just about everyone, including my family and my boyfriend. I had to force myself to get up in the morning and get ready for school, and there were days when I really just couldn’t and had to take personal days off to get myself mentally prepared for the next day. I know this sounds extreme, but a lot of stress can just turns you into a completely different person.

It was also worsened by the fact that I’m not 100% sure that teaching high school is exactly what I want to do with my life. Don’t get me wrong. I usually love interacting with the students and seeing the pride on their faces when they understand something they previously didn’t, but teaching can be a really emotionally draining job since you always have to be on call for the students whenever they need you. I’m just not sure it’s what I’m supposed to be doing for the rest of my life.

For someone who likes to have everything planned out and orderly, this is a really scary thought. I’m graduating next semester, and I’m still not sure what I want my life to look like afterward. For some people, like my boyfriend, this is exciting. For me, it’s terrifying.

Luckily, I have a lot of people to support me through this, and I started to see a counselor so that I could talk through some things. By the way, I highly recommend seeing a counselor if you’re going through a major transition in your life, and it’s starting to affect you. It just helps me so much to be able to talk to someone and have them listen and talk you through it. I know that, for some reason, there’s a stigma associated with going to see a counselor, but there really shouldn’t be, and it definitely shouldn’t stop you from going. Everyone needs help now and then, even if they don’t want to admit it.


Anyway, moving on to happier things. For a while now I’ve been planning to go to India in December in order to meet my boyfriend’s family. Recently I finally bought the tickets, so it’s starting to feel a lot more real. I’m incredibly excited but also really nervous. I’ve never done anything like this before. I’ve never been anywhere near India (I’ve only been to New Zealand outside of America), and although I know about the culture from my boyfriend, I still feel like I’m going to be in for a major culture shock.

I’m going to try to blog about the trip, so if you want to hear more, make sure to follow my blog!

 

5 Tips for College Freshmen!!

I was talking to my little cousin today who is just starting her freshman year of college (how is she that old? :/ ), so in honor of her first year (and my last one), I wanted to write this post to help/encourage any of you that may be starting their college career like her! Now, as a fifth year senior who has been to three colleges and had five majors (yeah, it’s been kind of a crazy ride) I feel like I have loads of information to share about how to make it through college, but I will cut it down to five major points. If you would like more or have any other questions, please message me! I would also love to hear any of your own experiences or advice, so leave them here as well!

  1. Get involved!!! Oh, how I wish I had listened to this advice when I went to college! (I probably wouldn’t have gone to three different colleges if I had lol) College is full of so many opportunities, so try and make the most of them. When I moved to the college I am at now, my friend convinced me to tryout for rowing with her (even though I had never rowed a day in my life or knew what it was), and we ended up making it! It was one of the best decisions of my college career because it brought me out of my shell and gave me some pretty awesome experiences I never would have had otherwise. Don’t let fear keep you from trying everything out! The worst that could happen is that it’s not for you. Even then just try something else out! I promise you won’t regret it!
  2. Go to class. Let me just go ahead and tell you now, it is REALLY easy to skip class in college. Most of my professors didn’t care if I was in class or not, and you don’t have parents there to make you go. Just don’t do it. Once you start skipping, it’s really hard to stop, and I promise you that your grade will be much better if you go. Without a doubt, every class where I skipped classes I ended up getting a grade that was worse than I could have gotten. Eventually, you’ll regret it.
  3. Be yourself and allow yourself to make new friends. I have to say this is the biggest regret I have about college. I was going through a lot at the time, and instead of allowing myself to make new friends, I desperately tried to hang on to the ones I already had. Now, there’s nothing wrong with keeping up with your high school friends, but you have to allow yourself room to grow. Most people change a lot in college, and before I knew it, I hardly recognized the old friendships I had. Unfortunately, by the time I recognized that we had grown apart, it was already my last year of college, and it was hard to start over.
  4. Recognize the signs of depression and anxiety. This one is a bit sadder than the rest, and hopefully you will never have to experience this, but the facts are that a lot of people become depressed in college. I know so many people who have gone through it, and it’s so important that you recognize the signs in yourself or your friends and get help. There’s no reason that anyone should have to go through college depressed when there are so many resources to help. Make sure you know the options that the school offers for dealing with depression (most have counselors available especially for this purpose), and above all do not feel ashamed about it. It’s something many people go through, so you are not alone. I promise getting help is better than trying to deal with it alone. 🙂
  5. Enjoy college!!! Above all, your college years are short, so have fun with them! You’ll learn and grow so much in these four years, and it’s so important that you try and make the most of them. There will most definitely be hard times, but you are not alone. The important thing is to keep getting back up!

All the best!! 🙂

 

 

 

Counselors and Makeup

When I first started going to counseling for depression, I looked at it the same way I looked at makeup when I was 10. I had pale skin, freckles, unruly not curly yet not close to being straight hair, and glasses. Makeup sounded like my cure. Makeup commercials promised me that if I just could put on a little bit of foundation I would be beautiful. Concealer would cover up my freckles and make me happy.

Then came the moment my mom actually let me try makeup for the first time. It was a girls sleepover and my mom’s friend the makeup artist promised to give us a makeover. I was beyond ecstatic. I not so patiently waited my turn for beauty, and then the time came. I sat in the chair feeling the soft brush strokes over my face and my many insecurities melting away. When she was done, I emerged from the chair feeling better than ever before. I practically ran to the mirror and looked expectantly and full of hope in the mirror just to have it crashing down around me.

What awaited me in the mirror was the opposite of what I had expected. My freckles were still there staring back at me, if just a little subdued. My face was still just as pale as ever and not in the least bit model like. I just couldn’t understand it. Why didn’t I look as good as the makeup commercials had promised? I honestly felt completely defeated and hopeless.

Now, looking back I feel absolutely silly thinking that makeup would make me look like a completely different person, but at the time, I truly thought that would make my life completely different. I was so devastated that I never even tried makeup again until prom. I didn’t see the point. The problem was that I was looking to makeup to solve a much bigger problem, my poor self image.

The same was true for counseling. I went into counseling thinking that my counselor would be my savior. She would fix me, and all I would have to do is let her….like my makeup, that wasn’t what happened. I quickly realized that to truly help my depression, I would have to confront parts of my past I didn’t want to ever look at again. Despite how hard I tried to forget them, they just won’t go away. They’ve become a part of me without me realizing it. They dictate where I go, what I say, who I choose to talk to, and how I live my life, and until I face them and deal with them once and for all they’ll always be there affecting me in ways I never even thought about.

The problem is that the thought of facing those past hurts again terrifies me.

Change

Let me be the first to admit how much I hate change. I really just can’t stand it. Believe me, I have tried to like it, I’ve pretended to like it, and I’ve tried my best to embrace it, but no luck. Just to give you an example of how much I hate change, one year my family decided to change up where we went for breakfast on the way to the beach (we ALWAYS go to this restaurant called Cracker Barrel), and I spent the entire eight hour drive refusing to talk to anyone.

Wow….that really makes me sound like a brat. Honestly, it wasn’t that I didn’t get to go to my favorite restaurant that made me so mad. It was just the fact that we changed up what I was expecting, and I didn’t like it. That probably makes me a control freak, but I suppose the first step to solving a problem is admitting that you have one….or something like that.

I really think that’s the reason I’ve been having such a hard time this year. So many things in my life have changed, and it scares me…. People I thought would always be there are now gone. Family members I thought I would have for at least a couple more years have passed away. Friends that said they would always be there, that said they would never hurt me, have done exactly that. You know how people say that you’re starting a new chapter in your life? Well, I feel like I’m starting a whole new book.

I think there are a lot of good things about familiarity. After all, isn’t tradition doing the same things over and over again? Traditions can be passed on from generation to generation and connect you with the past. It makes you feel safe and secure.

One thing I’m starting to realize, though, is that as hard as change can be, it is necessary and good. Here’s why I think change is good, and for those of you like me who are resisting change, here’s why we should work together to let it happen.

  1. You learn more about yourself. I’ve heard people say that travel makes you learn more about yourself, and I think the same is true about change. After all, travel is a lot of change: new surroundings, people, cultures, etc.. When things change and times get stressful, you meet a part of yourself you might never have seen before. For me, I learned that I have a tendency to try and make things go back to the way they were even if it’s bad for me. I try and replace people who are gone, and I try and make my circumstances as close to they way they were at the beginning. In other words, I’ve learned that I hate change. LOL.
  2. It might be for your good. Sometimes when people exit your life or your circumstances change dramatically, it’s actually better for you. For this one, I’m not really talking about loved ones passing away. I’m talking more about when your long term boy/girlfriend breaks up with you, your best friend moves on, or you’re starting at a new college. Recently, this has happened quite a lot for me, and I’ve found myself trying to bring them (or memories of them) back into my life when they don’t have a place there anymore. Because of my extreme dislike of change, I’ve tried to bring people who have hurt me back just to keep things the way they were. Which brings me to my next point.
  3. You’ll miss out on a lot of really great NEW things if you don’t. Looking back on my college career, I’ve realized that I’ve done this a lot. I missed my old friends so much that I didn’t make new ones. I missed my high school clubs so much that I didn’t join new ones. Recently, I tried to hold on to an old relationship I wanted to mean something so bad that I almost ruined the one I have now.
  4. It gives you a chance to grow. This one kind of goes along with the other one, but if you stay in the same places, with the same people, and in the same time of your life, you’ll never give yourself the chance to grow, learn, and explore.

See! Change isn’t all that bad! ….I’ll just keep telling myself that. 🙂